The Abyss
A Meditation
Why am I driven to achieve? why am I so driven? is my drive, or whatever it is I am experiencing, actual ‘ambition’? or is it a less-than-conscious attempt at covering up insecurity?
In all honesty that is hardly just one question; I will admit. However, I would argue that it is consistently one single thread of contemplation that arises from me every time I pose the question to my self. Why do I work to achieve?
I am wary to wonder if I haven’t discovered at least a portion of an answer.
Is it due to an insecurity around betrayals experienced in my youth? Is that the reason for being ever on-guard? Or is it simply an excuse?
I find myself growing concerned most with how I approach my relationships, regardless of them being romantic, business-related, or casual. I am constantly keeping everyone at arms’ length; constantly positioning myself to be capable of handling the next betrayal.
Achievement encompasses anything from mastering the hunt, to mastering the body, the environment, the axe, the mind, or the soul. In my life I feel I have become obsessed with wanting to master it all. At the expense of many personal relationships. Why do I sacrifice what so many say is one of the best aspects of Life?
I fear a day, where I slip into the abyss of complacency & comfort.
Where I am no longer sharpening my mind and hardening my body, and Life sees fit to take from me that which I’ve come to cherish, yet again.
A day where I have deemed my life to have been ‘enough,’ if there even is such a thing.
A day where I feel comfort in the love of a good woman, with a family and home, a true home.
I fear a day where I allow myself to become… ‘softened,’ and either Life, or Lady, deems it just time to tear my contentment away.
As has been done time and time again.
What I am unsure of is whether I am more afraid of an act of betrayal, or of feeling vulnerable afterwards. Weakened. As if each act of betrayal one experiences strips away yet another piece of their soul.
I know very well that it is a futile feat to try and prevent any/all future loss or pain… but this is something that seems to be branded upon the deepest, darkest reaches of my soul.
Do I struggle, to prove to myself that I am capable… hell… worthy of finding a happiness that makes it all worthwhile?
Am I capable of this achievement as well?
